If i could tip my vagina, i would.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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