I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
