i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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