Where did you get a picture of my penis
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You are the jesus of drinking
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
