The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
