There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
