I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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