I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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