you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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