lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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