You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
