I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
