They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
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I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
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This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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