Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
