I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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