if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
