He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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