just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
