There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
organizing the empties. That sober.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
