the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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