I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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