The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
