I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
