he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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