I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
