is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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