One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
did i just pee glitter
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
