The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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