Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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