It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
