i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
