Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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