He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Text me some of your sweat
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
