found the other keg... it's in the tree
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
