In America we eat man semen.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
