The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
