I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
