drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We had to coat check the pizza.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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