Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful