I accidentally burped into my bong.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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