You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole