So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
