I'm so fucking centered right now
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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