getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
