and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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