Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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