Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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