he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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