well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
