I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
