Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
