I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
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Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They took my balls.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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