He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
