Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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