My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
try to milk me bitch
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
