if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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