I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕