you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.