His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend