Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
