shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
